


Un-Train

by toriko



Series: The Hayden AU [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hope there's still room for me in hell, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Men Crying, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Original Character(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Self-Harm, Sexual Slavery, Slave Loki (Marvel), Slavery, So does Bruce but we already knew that, Thor's a good brother, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:49:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29936436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toriko/pseuds/toriko
Summary: Thor brings a very scared, damaged Loki to Hayden (original character). He has a sense she's the only one who can undo the years long, horrific "training" the Grandmaster inflicted on him. Only she might be able to break through his fear and bring Loki back to himself.(Post-Avengers 1 and 2 but pretending the Infinity Wars never happens.)
Relationships: En Dwi Gast | Grandmaster/Loki, Loki (Marvel)/Original Female Character(s)
Series: The Hayden AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2202537
Comments: 7
Kudos: 27





	1. Introduction/Briefest of Backgrounds

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Venom](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26088115) by [bxrn_vvitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bxrn_vvitch/pseuds/bxrn_vvitch). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings! This is my second work, and I am once again writing this as I go. I've labeled this as 'part of a series' purely because it's the same set of characters. I don't *think* knowledge of my previous work will be important, especially as this is a reimaging of the relationship between Loki and Hayden. You also don't need to read the work that inspired it to be able to follow along, but, I mean, you won't be sorry if you do. :)
> 
> For those who did read the first one, fair warning: This work isn't about all of Hayden's super cool powers saving the world. They exist, you'll see some of them, but this is undiluted H/C.

I guess I'm lucky Tony took a shining to me at that first party. Frankly, I'd have called it fair if he called me 'too snarky' and booted me from the building, but it's just like Natasha promised--he liked me. They all liked me.

Someday I had to assume they'd figure out I'm nothing special, but when Tony heard me complaining to Nat months later that my unaffordable rent was being hiked, he offered me an entire floor in his glass palace. I accepted. I'm a sucker for a good view.

Nat and I met by chance at a coffee shop. I didn't actually know who she was. I just knew I was looking at a red-haired lady across the room who was not ok and really wanted the world to think she was. And I didn't want to be rude about it--I love when people pretend they don't see me crying after a bad day--but my god, I could feel her pain radiating across the damn cafe. So I asked the waitress to please bring 'that woman over there' another of whatever she was drinking and a muffin with a stupid little note I scribbled on the back of my receipt: _It'll get better._

What happened after that isn't really the point, so I'll be brief: She was shocked I could tell. She looked me up on her phone--creepy, but ok--and, having confirmed I wasn't a spy, came over to ask me how I knew. We talked. We bonded. There was 3 AM shawarma, more than once. She learned stuff about me I didn't tell _anyone_ else. Stuff I figured she'd be pretty ok with, given her crowd. 

Then she introduced me to that crowd, though she promised not to tell them 'just how well I fit in.' (DEFINITELY her words, not mine. I know better.) What's odd is that I didn't actually spend that much time with Loki at those parties. Or Thor, actually. I mean, they were fun to talk to, but never presume the superheroes or gods actually think about you twice, right? That's just setting yourself up for a hard fall.

Welp, I was wrong. They all noticed me. Especially, apparently, the gods. 


	2. Please Help

Thor comes in the middle of the night, the most dramatic of times, of course. He looks like hell, but he's nothing compared to Loki. 

Why the fuck is Loki in chains? Did he try and take over Portland this time? But Loki's giving off a very different energy than "There are no men like me, kneel." He's bruised, _way_ too thin, his hair and face look sooty, and he's stone still. Like he's trying to melt into shadow.

"Lady Hayden," Thor rumbles, shifting uncomfortably on the spot, a chain to Loki's--collar???--in his large hand. "I apologize for the interruption. May we come in?"

"Yeah. Yeah, absolutely." I step back automatically, watching in disconcerted wonder as Thor jerks lightly on the chain, and Loki obediently steps over the threshold with him, his eyes downcast. He begins trembling. I bite back a million questions.

"Go sit in the corner," Thor commands, making him flinch and making me want to punch Thor for a second. What. The. Actual. Fuck. But Loki obeys, walking over where Thor indicates and kneeling, his head bowed.

"I don't have much time," Thor says in a low, urgent voice. "I must go back to Sakaar and finish what I started."

"W-which was...?"

"There is a man called The Grandmaster there. I don't know how, but he got ahold of my brother and has put him through trials I cannot yet fathom."

I'm trying not to be rude, and I absolutely want to help, but...why is he here? Am I supposed to be watching Loki while Thor goes and explains in more detail to Tony? 

"I can see the questions in your eyes," Thor gives me a short, gentle smirk. "I'm afraid I do not have many answers."

"Well, lemme start with a quick one," I eye the bruise around Thor's eye, his dirty hair, and the dry blood on his forehead. "Are you ok?"

"Do not concern yourself with me. I came here because I believe you're the only one who can get through to my brother."

"U-um..." I stutter, "Get...through?"

"He was the Grandmaster's slave. For several years, I fear."

 _"Years_?"

"Time passes differently on Sakaar. And he will not tell me what happened, but I know he was captured and..." Thor grinds out the word, "'trained' under many rules. The rules I have discovered so far: He cannot ask for anything. He will not make choices; in fact, he panics if given one. He has been completely dependent on me for his most basic needs. He does not sit on furniture, eat, or move on his own. He will not walk until I command it. He will only crawl."

Well, this just keeps getting worse with every word.

"When I found him, he was being forced to...service...any and everyone invited to The Grandmaster's house. I happened upon him during a such 'party.'"

OK, WAY WORSE. I keep my expression calm with herculean effort. Thor doesn't have time to reassure me. 

"I will explain further when I return. But my brother took a shining to you from the beginning. Your mind intrigued him, as did your power."

My--

"Can I trust you to help him until I return?"

"I'll do my best?"

Thor nods briskly, then walks over to Loki.

"Brother."

Loki flinches, looking up with watering eyes.

"I leave you in Lady Hayden's care. I will return as soon as I can."

"I..belong to her?" Loki croaks, and my heart shatters.

Thor shifts uncomfortably. "You will stay with her. Do not stray from her sight."

"I should p-please her?" Loki leans forward on his hands like he means to crawl to me.

"Stay," Thor snaps, more out of panic than anger, but Loki bows low immediately, his forehead to the floor and his chained wrists crossed in front of him, a stream of apologies pouring out. Thor looks pained. "No, Loki..."

Except I get it. I know exactly where Loki's mind is. I step forward immediately, my role crystalizing way faster than I'd have thought possible. _Of course I'll help him. I WILL fix this._

"Does Tony know?" I ask, keeping my tone light as we tower above Loki, whose tears are soaking into the carpet.

"Stark knows Loki is here and that I do not want him disturbed."

That's not gonna last long. No one handles secrecy worse than Tony. 

"Sit up, brother," Thor commands reluctantly. He removes the shackles from Loki's wrists. "I managed to get this key. The other," Thor nods to the collar, "will return with me shortly."

Loki doesn't respond, but sinks back to the floor. He thinks he's displeased Thor.

"Leave it," I say in an undertone as Thor starts to tell Loki to sit up again. "I got this."

There's a warmth in Thor's eyes when I say that. Let's not get too excited, I don't say. There's every chance I'm way, way in over my head.

Instead, I say, "Hurry back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case anyone missed it, this was directly inspired by bxrn_vvitch's "Venom." (https://archiveofourown.org/works/26088115/chapters/63454813)


	3. New Rule #1

After Thor leaves, I kneel next to Loki, prostrate and trembling.

"Kneel up," I command softly, "and look at me."

He does so, frightened. 

"It's ok," I say softly, "I'm not gonna hurt you. Do you remember me?"

He nods hesitantly. "My Mistress?"

"Do you remember my first name?"

"M..Mistress Hayden?"

My stomach turns, but I keep it to myself. "You can call me that if you need to. You can also just call me Hayden. I'm going to tell you something one time, and I know you're not going to understand, but: You are free. You don't have to be here, you don't have to listen to me. You're not on Sakaar anymore, and you're _never_ going back."

As I expected, he only looks more anxious and confused. 

"I know that doesn't make sense to you right now. I just want you to remember that I said that. It will always be true."

Nothing. Fair enough.

"W-what is your will, Mistress?" Loki asks nervously.

"Stand up, please." 

I rise with him, and he shrinks away from me. He's a mess--the hair, the clothes, the grim. I'd bet Tony's fortune he doesn't even remember what being clean with fresh clothes feels like. And I'd love to pretend the moment I get him in a better state, it'll all click, the freedom bit. 

It won't.

 _"_ Follow me," I order, and add hastily as he begins to get down on his knees, "on your feet."

I want more than anything to say "You don't have to crawl ever again." But anything more gentle isn't gonna cut it at first. The best I can do for now is keep my voice level and calm. No yelling. No snapping. No showing impatience or displeasure of any kind. No matter what Loki does, or can't do, my apartment is now a zone of Care Bear level compassion.

So he follows me to the bathroom, meek and terrified. I'd rather let him shower himself, but I actually need to have more control than that. I need to be able to see if there's damage (as if I could, you know, fix it if there was). And I want less stimulation for him--I can see a lot of ways a shower could be too much to handle right now.

I sit on the edge of the oversized bathtub and start some water.

"Stay where you are and undress."

Loki shakes his head frantically. I can see the war raging behind his eyes--

_Listen to her, idiot._

_(But I don't want to be naked in front of YET ANOTHER person!)_

_It doesn't matter, move before she hurts you._

“P-please...please don’t hurt me. I’ll be good.”

“I know you will,” I assure him. “I'm not gonna hurt you.”

The sentiment bounces off of him. He watches with growing terror as the water begins to fill the tub. I need Thor to bring this Grandmaster prick (GP) here so he can explain exactly what he did to caused this reaction. Then I’ll do whatever it is to GP ten times. 

"I don't--I don't n-need...please...I'll be good." He begs, unable to take his eyes off the rising water. “Please, Mistress Hayden, please don’t hurt me. I'll do whatever you want.” He automatically falls to his knees.

“I’m not gonna hurt you,” I tell him again gently. “Look at me.”

He raises his running eyes.

“How many positions have you been taught?”

“..T-three.”

“Show them to me, please. And tell me their names.”

Again, he looks terrified.

“I’m going to sit right here. I don’t want to touch you right now. Show me your positions, tell me their names, and then come back to this neutral one when you’re done.”

He moves into the first position I recognized, head on the floor and wrists crossed before him. "Punishment," he whispers to the floor.

He waits, I'm sure, for me to follow up on the implied offer. I prompt, trying for the same tone you'd use when asking someone to keep reading off dates, "Next?"

He shifts on his knees, keeping his head to the ground, then reaches behind him to spread his cheeks. "O-o-offering." He was reluctant to fully present himself to me--which is more than fine by me--but I can see the area of "offering" is red and chapped and sore. _Jesus christ, Loki, I will never, EVER let anyone hurt you like that again. Or hurt you at all. I'd literally rather die._

I don't say that. "Next?"

He returns to his knees, opening them and crossing his wrists behind his head. "Open," he chokes, and parts his lips. More tears run into his mouth. I wait for him to remember what I asked--return to neutral--but he doesn't.

"Ok. Thank you. Return to that neutral position."

Loki's eyes go wide. "S-sorry, sorry!" And instead goes right back to Punishment, quivering violently.

"Sweetheart," I call to him, "Kneel."

He's a shivering mess, but he complies, eyes streaming and downcast.

"Good. I want to call that position 'Kneel.' If you don't know what to do, you can always ask me or take that position, ok?"

"Yes Mistress," he whimpers, tension ratcheting up as I check the water temperature. 

"Ok, now stand up and take off your clothes, please."

He does. It takes everything in me to keep a smooth expression as he exposes too many ribs, scores of bruises, cuts, and what I'm pretty sure are burns. It's getting harder to swallow the bile in my throat. 

I turn off the water. "Touch the water."

With the very tip of his fingers, Loki skims the water, quickly withdrawing his hand. I don't want to know why he's so afraid of water all of a sudden. But whatever Thor reports when he comes back, I'm pretty sure Loki's been through textbook torture: Keep them on their toes. Promise things and don't deliver. Promise things and deliver way, way too hard. Hurt, scare, neglect them, give them the barest kindness, then make them regret it. And again. And again.

So I have to phrase this carefully, because I'm quite sure he's been taught to lie and pretend things are ok when they're not. "When you took baths on Asgard, where they this temperature?"

Loki shakes his head, swallowing hard. 

"Warmer or colder?"

"W-warmer, Mistress."

"Ok." I turn on the hot water tap.

Loki closes his eyes tight and reaches for the steaming stream. Automatically, my hand shoots out. I catch him by the wrist, making him shriek and jump away from me instinctively. Then, realizing his 'mistake,' he collapses back into Punishment, crying.

"You didn't do anything wrong," I tell him, then wait. See if he can take that cue and relax.

He doesn't. No surprise. 

Aiming for curious: "What were you doing?" 

"Punishing myself for you," he mumbles into the tile. 

"If I want you to do that, I'll tell you."

"I'm sorry, Mistress." He weeps.

"It's alright. That's a rule in my house. Repeat it back to me, please."

Hesitant, he straightens, his eyes on the ground. "I must wait for m-my punishment, M-Mistress."

Not exactly the tone I was going for, but close enough. 

"That's right. You don't punish yourself, I punish you. And I will tell you when I want to punish you. It won't be a surprise."

"Yes, Mistress."

 _Ug_. There's SO much wrong with this. I turn the tap back off and swirl the water with my hands. "Keel and touch this again, please."

He does, and I catch just the tiniest, momentary, I-practically-could-have-imagined-it flash of comfort in his eyes. Something familiar--even something as mundane as a temperature he might have chosen for himself.

It'd be so much easier to ask, 'Is that ok?' or 'Does that feel good?' Instead, I ask, "Is that the temperature you would use?"

"Y-yes."

"All right. Take my hand." 

_Here it is,_ I hear him thinking, _the start of her game._ I don't move, I just keep my palm out and up. Clearly frightened, he leans away from me even as he extends his hand. When our skin touches, he jumps.

"Stand up and step in."

I know he doesn't want to touch me, but I'm glad I asked, because he almost falls. He's stiff and sore, just like I'd expect, and it makes him clumsy. 

"Sorry, Mistress--" He gasps, splashing me with water as he stumbles onto his knees. "I'm sorry--I'm so sorry--Mistress Hayden, please, I didn't mean to--"

"I know. I was watching," I tell him calmly. 

He sits stock still, waiting to see how I'll hurt him for this. Instead, I hand him a wash clothe. "Clean yourself." And I lean back against the wall, making it clear I have no intention of touching him again. 

By some miracle, as he tenderly washes away the grim, I can see nothing that requires medical attention. He's hurt-- _badly_ \--but nothing looks broken, sprained, or in need of stitches. I guess I can't be sure--are we gonna have to call Bruce?--but from the way he moves, he seems "Ok." You know, the really fucked up version of ok.

Any time I shift even slightly, he flinches. So I try and hold as still as I can until he stops moving himself, arms at his sides.

"Let the water out, please." I nod to the dial that opens the drain.

He steels himself and does so. Unfortunately, he's not actually done. The water is way, way too dirty. He's gonna need a second rinse, and I see there's still dirt and crap on his back. He didn't do his hair, either, except to wet it slightly. He begins shivering immediately as the warm water drops, leaving his wet skin exposed.

"Move away from the tap. I'm gonna start the water again."

Loki wants to argue--I wish he would--but he only obeys, getting as small as he can on the opposite side of the tub from me. I adjust the taps until I hit the warmth I think he's used to.

"Ok, come back over and rinse off some more."

Again, he eyes the stream of water warily, panting a little. I say nothing. I wait. His lips tremble as he moves, but he "relaxes" ever so slightly when he feels the water again and sees me leaning back once more.

But again, he's loathed to get his hair wet. He stills once he's washed everything he can reach, returning to Kneel. 

"Good," I praise him. "Well done."

Nothing. Again, fair.

"Your hair still needs to be cleaned."

Instantly, he's tense, cowering away from me and the water. "P-Please--what did I do? I'll do better, Mistress Hayden, I promise! Please just--just tell me what I did wrong."

Ok, at this point, I can only assume waterboarding was a thing. I'm torn between being suddenly so exhausted I want to raid Tony's liquor cabinet and down as many bottles as possible before I pass out, and demanding Thor take me to GP and just leave me alone with him for a day or two. 

"You haven't displeased me, sweetheart," I tell him (seems more believable in his state of mind than 'you did nothing wrong'). "Your hair is dirty, that's all."

Loki doesn't know what to make of this.

"Ok," I let out a long breath as subtly as possible. "Face away from the water."

He breaks down sobbing, automatically moving to bow low again, but he jerks away, afraid to bring his face close to the water and rapidly dissolving into a panic attack. 

"Ok, ok, ok--"

I move faster than I mean to, scaring him even more. I step into the water with him, grabbing his forearms as he begins flailing away, battering himself against the edges of the bathtub. 

"Shh, shh, shhhhhh, stop," I coax him, "I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm not gonna hurt you."

"Please, p-please, _please_ \--" His eyes dart between me, the water, and the small space between our bodies. "Please, no, Mistress."

"Husshhhh. Listen to what I'm saying," I keep ahold of his too-thin wrists, "Did I say I wanted to punish you?"

Loki can't answer, endless tears spilling down his cheeks. 

"I will tell you when I mean to punish you," I tell him again (which is to say, _never. Never ever, ever ever EVER.). "_ I don't want to punish you right now. I want to clean your hair."

"I'm..s-sorry," he mumbles, still shivering.

"I know. I'm not mad. Sit instead of kneel, please."

He obeys. I let go of his wrists and inch closer to the still running water.

"Lean back just a little."

Clearly, he can't see this going well. "P-please...don't hurt me."

"Ok."

I have to push him a little by the shoulder to get him to move. Then, with one hand, I guide some water down his black locks. He trembles violently, teetering. It's hard for him to balance.

"Brace yourself," I instruct, moving one of his palms to the tub floor to show him what I mean. Then I shield his face and continue working.

Bright side, washing his hair does double duty, freeing his back the rest of the way of dirt and old blood. He slackens almost comically when I turn the water off. 

"Well done," I tell him as I get back out of the tub and grab a towel.

"I'm...am I..." He falters.

I'm impressed when he takes my proffered hand to transfer back onto the tile. "Are you what?" I ask softly, wrapping a bath sheet tightly around his shoulders.

He barely breathes the word, "Pleasing?"

"Yes," I say immediately, because I know that's what he needs to hear. 

Well, he needs to hear that his job isn't to _be_ pleasing, but it's going to be a _long_ road until that message might stick. So I wrap an extra towel around his middle, tying a knot at his hip. I'm sopping wet, of course, and I don't want him to see me change. It'll give him all the wrong ideas.

"I'm going to get some clothes for you. I'll be right back."


	4. New Rule #2

I don't know how leaving him alone is going to go--Thor didn't say anything about it one way or the other. I fish out the guest PJs I keep (for the nobody that sleeps over) and drop them on the bed, then make a very wet pile of clothes on the floor while I switch into my own PJs.

A little gasp from the bathroom doorway almost makes me jump out of my skin. Loki falls to his knees, yet more tears spilling from his eyes as he takes the towels off and crosses his wrists behind his head.

I hastily pull on my top and, moving very deliberately, I make a wide arc back to the bed and get his clothes.

"I'm not gonna hurt you," I promise him quietly. "I'm not going to touch you."

"B-because I've..been bad?" He whimpers.

"No, sweetheart," I say compassionately, heart in my throat, "because you don't want to be touched."

His eyes get even wider. "Yes I d-do! I'm y-yours." He begins to crawl to me.

"Stay where you are."

He freezes, utterly panicked. I close the distance and kneel down with him, tears welling up in my own eyes as he cowers away. I didn't know my whole being could hurt like this. I put the clothes in front of him.

"I know you're mine." (Not.) "I don't touch what's mine when I know they don't like it."

Loki has absolutely no idea what to do with that information. "I d-do..like it. You c-can use me however you wish, Mistress."

"Ok. Put those on and join me on the bed."

He looks horrified. "Yes M-mistress Hayden."

I stand up and go to my bed, a truly giant thing, sitting on top of the covers. When Loki gets to his hands and knees to follow me, I hold up a hand again.

"In my house, I'd like you to walk, not crawl."

"Sorry," he whispers anxiously. "I'm sorry."

He creeps over and climbs on the bed, lying down and spreading his legs, eyes squeezed shut.

"I want you to sit with me, please."

He jolts up, "Sorry!"

"I'm not angry. I should have been more clear. Do you remember your new rules?"

Loki nods quickly.

"Tell them to me, please."

"You...will punish me when you want. And..and you would rather I walk."

One outta two...

"I would rather you walk," I nod. "And you're close with rule number one. Rule one is 'Only I punish you. You don't punish yourself.'"

He takes a shuddering breath, maybe anticipating that that's my way of transitioning to that punishment.

"Say it back to me."

"Only you punish me."

Closer. "And?"

"I am t-to walk to you."

"Good."

His eyes roam my body, my hands-- _Why am I dressed? Where are the things she means to hurt me with?_ He opens his mouth, and I can hear the effort it takes to force the clearly rehearsed line: "I am yours, Mistress."

"I know."

His shoulders grow tense and he begins to tremble. "How...how do you want me?" He starts to move to Open, I think, and he cringes when I hold up my hand again-- _wait_. 

"I want you to go to sleep, if you can."

"On...on my back o-or...?"

Checking which position I want to rape him in? _Seriously_? I've never hated anyone I've never met, seen, or heard as much as I hate the Grandmaster.

"How did you sleep on Asgard?"

"I..." He stammers. When I don't interrupt, he forces himself to answer. "On my side, Mistress."

"Then you can sleep on your side."

_Calloused, warm hands caress Loki's tear-stained face. His arms are bound behind him and someone thin with peppery hair presses him against a headboard._

_"Aren't you a pathetic thing?" His voice is silky. "Say my name."_

_"Gra--"_

_The man slaps Loki hard. "Wrong."_

_Loki pants, his eyes closed, and he keeps his face turned. "M..m..m--"_

_The Grandmaster grabs Loki's throat, pinning him roughly, and Loki shrieks, "Master!"_

_"Good boy." The fingers don't move. "Don't stutter around the guests. They may not find it as endearing as I do."_

_Without warning, he yanks Loki down and straddles him, one hand still on his neck. The other fumbles for his pants as the Grandmaster inches closer to Loki's face._

_"Open your mouth."_

Loki and I wake at the same time, him screaming and backing away from me until he slips off the edge of the bed, hitting the ground hard. 

"Oh god--" I say automatically, scrambling across the bed to see him.

Loki balls on the floor, covering his head, shivering from head to foot. 

"Loki?"

He shrieks and balls up tighter, then whimpers when he feels me join him on the ground.

"Ok. Ok," I murmur. "Come here. Shhh, shhhh..."

I have to force him off the ground and back onto the bed, but the moment he's on the mattress, I let him go. He stays curled up, moaning to himself when I join him. I know he doesn't want to be touched, but for what I'm about to do, he needs to understand that touch goes along with comfort sometimes. 

It's not impressive or anything, my plan. But it's the only way I can think to calm him down given the framework we're dealing with. I lay my fingers across his back, leaving them as he continues to shake, and just name reality.

"That was a bad dream," I murmur. "That was a bad dream."

That wasn't a dream. I don't know how I know that, just like I don't know how I was in his head with him. It's not really what my 'power' is. (Have I mentioned power is a generous term?) I can't actually use my power to help him, much as I'd love to. It's a two-pronged thing, and neither prong is appropriate. 

Or...it _was_ a two-pronged thing. Now I guess it's a straight up fork. _Worry about it later._

I move my hand along his spine, two inches up, two down. Stop. "That was a bad dream." Up two, down two, stop. Up, down, stop.

He slowly comes down. When I can tell his twitching is because of my hand moving rather than flashbacks, I stop touching him. "That was a bad dream."

Loki drops on his side, moving out of my reach. But he nods when I repeat myself again. 

My hope is that I'm establishing that I'm not going to say kind things I'll go back on. I'm not threatening, promising, prying--none of that. I'm acknowledging what happened. Nothing more. And it *appears* to be working. He's back with me and seeing that--at least, in this moment--that's all I plan to do. I turn around and press a few buttons on my phone until some sweet, soft piano music starts playing on Friday's speakers. And I close my eyes. 

This, too, seems to work as intended. His breathing slows as the music keeps playing. And, when I peek finally, his eyes are closed.

I cry silently, indulgently. I really liked Loki. I mean, I still like him, but...it's almost not him. Whatever happened after his siege on New York--and I never ask about stuff like that with the Team, god knows they don't need to rehash trauma with me--he and Thor were getting along great. Actually, he got on just fine with everyone. 

I really can't explain why they always invited me whenever they invited Nat, but I did get to watch all of them interact enough to know things like (A) Loki has snark to match Tony, and it's very good for Tony to not win every battle of wits. And (B) Loki and Bruce have been known to get into some really esoteric science crap. I'm pretty sure they've actually done some science together at least once. 

I won't lie, I really liked being around Loki. To the point where I created some intentional distance so I didn't seem like a smitten puppy. I liked the way he was unflappable, smooth, confident. To me, Loki has some of the best traits of all the Team. Brains like Bruce (or Tony), but less cocky (than Tony, that is). Observant, like Nat, but more outspoken, like Steve. I will drop everything to take care of him--and do my very best not to fuck up--until Thor comes back. It's an honor to be asked--trusted with something like this.

Or..is it because I'm just the only real option? The idea of Tony trying to help with something like this is hilarious. Nat would be good, but Loki would never trust her, she's _way_ too good at manipulation. But Bruce would have been a good (probably better) choice. He had a shit childhood, he gets how abuse goes. Then again, maybe Thor thought it had to be a woman, given that the Grandmaster is a guy. So, yeah, I'm the only option.

_I'm going on instinct, Loki. I swear to you, I will not hurt you. Not on purpose. I'm doing everything I can to make you feel safe._

Again, over indulgent, I reach over and lay a finger over the back of his hand, tucked up by his face, and my good intentions slip from me to him in a soft golden ribbon of light: _I won't hurt you. I'm here to protect you._ Loki sighs in his sleep, slackening a little more. 

That's the only time that can happen. It's _not_ ok force my thoughts on him, no matter how kind they are. Loki needs as much autonomy and space as I can possibly afford him. 

Also, he has no idea I can do that. I imagine finding out his "new owner" is "magical" will _not_ make him feel safer. 


	5. Really Slow, Agonizing Baby Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope whoever's following along is enjoying. :)

The first thing I notice when I open my eyes is how dry Loki's lips are.

 _You idiot, Thor said he wouldn't do anything for himself._

Loki recoils when I sit up. I don't know how long he's been awake, waiting for me to rouse and do whatever he's picturing now. 

"Morning," I murmur, moving slowly as I sit up.

Loki doesn't answer. 

"How about you go use the bathroom, then come back here to the bed?"

While he's doing that, I get the two largest water glasses I have and the blandest food I can find, a piece of bread. I toast and butter another piece. When I come back to bed, Loki still hasn't come out of the bathroom. 

"Loki?"

A whimper. 

"Come here, sweetheart."

He shuffles into view, wide-eyed and penitent. I don't rebuke him; I barely react at all. He kneels on top of the mattress. 

"Very good," I praise him softly, and pass him the water. 

He hesitates, then, driven by need, he guzzles the entire thing. I smile a little in encouragement and immediately make to hand him the second glass. But Loki notices there are only two glasses. He refuses like I'm setting him up for some sort of "You're a greedy little [fill in terrible name here]" scenario. Not that this choice makes him feel better, because he's not supposed to refuse things either. 

"F-for you." He leans away nervously. "Mistress."

"That's very kind of you," I tell him. "But I want you to have more water. Why don't you take your glass and refill it?" And I point him to the kitchen sink across the apartment. 

Loki pauses, watching me until I start to drink my own water. He moves like someone walking on both literal and metaphorical eggshells. I can't imagine the number of ways he thinks he can screw up and upset me in this simple 'task.' When he returns, he hesitates-- _is he allowed on the bed_?

"If I'm on the bed, you can be on the bed." _Y_ _ou can use whatever you want, sweetheart!_

But...baby steps. Really slow, agonizing baby steps.

"Very good. Sit down with me, please."

He does, watchful, gripping the glass so tightly I'm afraid it'll break. I move the plate in between us. Time for another really small baby step.

"Which piece looks better to you? Plain or buttered?"

Loki looks longingly at the buttered piece, but points to the other piece--the "right" choice, I suppose. Still, it was a choice.

"All right, that one's yours, then."

Another hesitation, then he wolfs it down so quickly I'm not positive he chewed it. Then Loki backs away from me. I eat half of the buttered piece in silence, looking at my phone like I could focus on anything but him, tremulous and panting slightly. I text Nat:

**Did Thor talk to you, per chance?**

**Nope. What's up?**

**Loki's with me and he's not ok. I am, but I can't meet you for dinner tonight.**

**Should I come over?**

**Not yet. Shortest version: Loki was 'The Grandmaster's' (I don't know who that is) slave for a bit. He doesn't get that he's free.**

**And Thor asked you to help?**

**Yeah.**

**Smart god.**

Ah, good ol' Nat with evermore faith in me than I have in myself. 

"I don't think I want any more," I announce, putting the other half of the toast on the plate. "Would you finish it, please? I don't like to waste food."

Again, I see the inequity disturbs him, but he doesn't dare 'correct' me again. So he takes the other half and nibbles. 

I ask, getting up and removing the plate so he keeps the toast, "Friday, would you play that music again,"

Piano notes start up again. I can feel Loki's eyes follow me all the way across the expansive apartment. I hum along to the instrumental version of It's A Great Day to Be Alive (ironic or soberly fitting?), keeping my back to him while I start doing dishes. 

What do I do now? Should I try and offer him a book? A TV show? A sketchpad? He draws, right? I have some work I can (pretend to) do on my computer, maybe I could set us up on the couch or something. Or I could actually do some work, like looking up how to reintroduce food to a guy who's ridiculously malnurished.

By the time I finish as much cleaning (stalling) as I can, Loki's slumped over on top of the covers, sound asleep. Maybe the music helps. I'm so tempted to rejoin him on the bed. My heart is aching to hold him, or at least _be_ there so he's not alone. Instead, I take a book to the couch, within his eye line but way, way out of arm's reach. I do intend to try and read, but instead, I end up looking down over New York and the traffic coursing far below us, puzzling. Weighing options.

There's a knock on my door, then a yelp as Loki jerks awake, twisting around to get his bearings.

"It's ok--" I start to say, but my door unlocks and Tony bursts in (I knew it. Less than 24 hours.), an iron arm at the ready and a glowing palm pointed at Loki. 

"No, no, no! Please, no," Loki again backs himself too far too quickly off the bed, falling hard.

"Banner, get up here," Tony says, tapping his ear. 

Loki begins crying uncontrollably as I rush over, wedging himself in the corner and shielding his face. Tony comes over, too, lowering his re-emerging hand.

"Wait," I block his path.

"What the hell happened to him?" Tony looks shaken.

"I don't know yet, but bringing Bruce up isn't gonna help," I say more quietly, though Loki's too distraught to be paying attention.

"You need him. Loki needs a doctor."

I'm impressed he recognized so quickly that (a) Loki wasn't a threat and (b) he needed help. Then ashamed that I must have missed something serious.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know yet. But his color is terrible."

"Yeah, he just got out of..somewhere," I look over my shoulder, distracted by Loki's sounds of terror. "It can't wait?"

"You don't want to wait if there's internal bleeding."

...How the fuck did I not think about that?

"Ok, I'm an idiot, thank you, and I mean this in the nicest possible way but can you leave, then? This is way, way too much for him."

"You're not an idiot," Tony says, but his voice is odd. He sounds choked up.

God, I don't know where to look. I definitely didn't anticipate Tony being upset by this. Now I want to try and talk him down. But there's every chance I just lost the almost no trust I managed to forge between Loki and me. And if Bruce is really coming, I should do something about that. Quickly. Wait-- _shit_ , are those tears in Tony's eyes? 

The urge comes over me before I think it through. I grab Tony's hand and say, "I got this." And between our skin slips a little light, a golden promise: _Everything will be ok here. You don't need to worry._

So much for that secret. _Dumbass._ At least Loki didn't see that.

Tony drops my hand and steps back, and I see the following thoughts flip through his mind:

_What the fuck_

_How the fuck_

and

 _How the fuck long has she been able to do that_?

Alright, he's not upset anymore. It's his turn to puzzle. Good enough.

"We are so talking about that," he raises a finger and an eyebrow, but starts to leave.

 _Thank you_ , I mouth. 

"What's up?" Bruce hurries in.

"I got it," Tony says to me as Loki starts all out screaming. I have to lipread, but between that and the thumb over his shoulder, I'm pretty sure Tony said "He'll be in the hall."

Bruce looks completely panic-striken, then lost as Tony says something to him and ushers him out, closing the door behind them. 

"Friday," I call over Loki, sobbing hysterically, "turn off the music, please."

I kneel just out of reach and wait until I can be heard between Loki's frantic breaths. "We're alone."

Loki cringes, but he does look at me while he tries to push his way through the wall. "P-please, Mistress, please not this. Please--anything but this."

"I'm not going to hurt you."

"Please--please, I'll do anything you ask. Just not that, please. _Please_ , _PLEASE_."

"This isn't punishment, Loki."

"Please don't let them hurt me!"

"I won't."

"Please don't hurt me!!"

"I won't."

He keeps crying, shivering violently. 

"Loki..." My brain scrambles. "Kneel for me, please."

"No, no, no...please, Mistress, please, I'll do anything."

"Just kneel. That's all I want right now."

I let him cry it out some more, trying to keep my own pain just visible enough to show him I am NOT enjoying this. And swallowing the rest down like the world's biggest jawbreaker. 

"Kneel for me, please," I repeat after a few minutes.

"Mistress Hayden, _please don't hurt me._ "

"Ok."

Shaking like a leaf, he finally obeys.

"Good. You're alright. You're doing good. It's just us."

Another few minutes while he "collects himself," which is to say, I can be heard over his crying.

"What's rule number one?"

"O-only you p-p...punish me...Mistress." He bows his head lower, and tears fall onto his lap.

"That's right. And I know you didn't catch this the first time, but I also said I would tell you when I intend to. Punishments aren't a surprise here."

"I'm sorry!" He blurts immediately.

"It's ok. This will take time. Say it back to me, please."

"Only you punish me." His chest heaves as he anticipates the first blow.

"That's right, and?"

Loki only shakes.

"I will tell you when I want to punish you. No surprises."

He doesn't follow. I can't blame him, since Bruce being here is technically a surprise. 

"Do you remember Bruce?"

Barely a nod.

"He's here to make sure you're safe, not to hurt you."

"P-please Mistress. I'll be good. I'll do whatever you want, just _please...please_ don't let him touch me."

"You are good. You've been very good."

"M-Mistress..please..."

Well, I'm trapped. I guess..better to get started so it can end that much sooner? Reluctantly, I get to my feet.

"Stay kneeling, please."


	6. Rule #3 (Which I Will Never Employ)

Loki dissolves into tears as I walk away and open the door to Bruce, leaning against the opposite wall looking extremely troubled. I feel slimy, trying to pretend I don't hear Loki crying.

Casually wiping at my eyes, "Hey, I'm really sorry--"

Bruce silences me with a wave of his hand. "Whatever you need."

God, I like him. Bruce is great.

"I don't really know what he's been through, but I'm pretty sure I saw burns and I know he's been violated."

Bruce swallows hard.

"He doesn't trust me and he definitely doesn't want you here. I honestly don't know how this is going to go." (Other than poorly, I mean.) 

"I have a sedative."

I sigh. "I don't want to do that to him, but...have it ready, I guess?"

Bruce nods once, picking up his bag and walking in as I step aside.

Loki starts sobbing hysterically when he sees me close the door with Bruce still in the room, throwing himself back into the corner. We walk over, but at my gesture, Bruce hangs back.

"Please, please--please don't-- _please Mistress._ "

That gets an eyebrow raise from Bruce. Probably should have mentioned something about that.

"I'll be good," Loki wails as I get on my knees, much closer than I know he wants--closer than I've ever been, minus the tub incident. "Please don't do this! Please--"

"Hushhhhh."

Praying this isn't a mistake, I reach out and reel him in.

"No, no, no!! No! No, please, M--please don't!"

"I won't hurt you." And I close my arms around him the way I've been dying to do from the second I saw first him, hiding his face in my chest. "It's alright. It's alright. Shhhh, shhhhhh."

Trusting that Bruce has the time to wait, I rock him there for a few minutes. He doesn't fight me, but he's not taking much comfort in it, either. He does calm a little more when I touch his hair, slowly stroking the dull locks. 

"That's it. You're ok." I murmur.

Finally, when he's as calm as he's going to get, I push him back enough to take his chin lightly in my fingers, directing his gaze. 

"What's rule number one?"

"You punish me."

(Yeah, definitely gonna have to give Bruce some more context later.)

"That's right. And I will tell you when I want to punish you. This is not punishment. Your brother left you in my care, so I'm going to take care of you."

"Please...don't let him touch me."

"I won't let him hurt you."

Loki whimpers. 

"Kneel with me." 

I prop him back up and shift in place so we're side by side facing Bruce. Loki flinches hard when Bruce shifts.

"Hey, Loki."

A whine of fear. 

"I need to come a little closer, but I'm not going to touch you yet."

To my surprise, Loki leans into me like he means to hide behind me. Any port in a storm, I guess. Bruce moves forward and opens his bag--another moan escapes Loki--and he pulls out a clear tablet. He taps a corner and writing I'm too distracted to decipher appears.

"Ok, all I'm going to do is hold this close to you and move it down your front. I won't touch you. I just need you to sit straight."

Loki shakes his head a little, hiding further behind me. I pet his hair a few times, then whisper,

"Kneel. That's all you have to do."

Petrified, Loki obeys. Bruce moves slowly, holding the pad a few inches from Loki and drawing it down his front. Loki closes his running eyes, bracing himself.

"Ok." Bruce passes me the pad. "Do the same thing on the other side. Make sure you move it slow."

"Shhh," I hush as those green doe-eyes widen. "Remember, this isn't punishment."

When my hand gets low at his back, Loki panics and flinches away from us. 

"Shit," Bruce says under his breath. "I really need him to be still, especially for that part."

"Sweetheart--"

Loki shakes his head violently, eyeing Bruce (likely because he swore).

"You're alright. You're not in trouble."

I can barely hear the words: " _Please, Mistress Hayden_."

"Come here," and I open my arms.

Not sure how I thought that'd be a better offer than just having him return to kneeling, but again he surprises me. I don't move until he buries his face in my shoulder, and then I hold him close, my thumb moving ever so slightly over the back of his head.

Bruce shifts for a better angle and indicates that I need to expose more of Loki's back. 

"Shh, shhh, shhhhh," I take a risk and put my lips next to the side of his head as I lean us back, forcing Loki to straighten against me just a little. "You're ok. He won't touch you. No one is gonna hurt you."

Loki begins panting shallowly as he feels Bruce's proximity, but in my arms, he stays still enough. 

"Ok, I'm done with that. I'm gonna put it down." Bruce leans the little tablet against his bag. "Now I just want to look."

That's meant to be comforting, but I get another disconcerting "flash of insight:"

_Loki follows behind The Grandmaster, naked, his arms bound tightly behind him and a chain around his neck. They enter a room brimming with curious people, and everywhere Loki looks, he sees lascivious grins._

_"Oh, don't worry, pet, they're just going to watch for now."_

_The crowd titters as the two of them come to a little stage with a lone chair. Loki begins whimpering and pulling against the chain._

_"M-master..."_

_"That's me," The Grandmaster says cheerfully._

_"P-please...not...not in front of them."_

_"Oh yes. In front of them. And then--when I'm good and satisfied--with them."_

I slam back into my own head and the feeling of Loki trying to disappear into my chest. Bruce sits patiently, deep pain etched in his face. 

"I'm sorry," he says in the barest of whispers.

 _Me too_ , I mouth. Loki's sweat and tears soak into my shirt.

"Look at me," I murmur to him, and my throat burns with unshed tears as he does. "You're with me now. There are different rules here."

"You..punish me." His eyes dart apprehensively to Bruce.

"Right."

"O-only...you...use me?" Like he doesn't dare hope.

"That's right."

I should have thought to say that. The relief on Loki's face makes it worth the flushing of my face as I fight nausea. He has a much easier time straightening now, though no one could miss the shivering. 

"Can you take off your shirt?" Bruce asks.

Loki looks to me, half frightened, half waiting for instructions. Another flush crashes over me as I nod. Like I have any business instructing him. (Like I have any good choice.)

Agonizingly slow, he lifts the hem of his shirt and peels it off, then covers himself, trembling violently again. Bruce makes the best of it and examines Loki's arms and what he can see of Loki's torso. He's trying not to frown, probably at all the bruising. 

"Can you turn around, please?"

Now when Loki looks to me, it's clear he's begging me not to make him. I nod. I hate myself. 

But I hate the Grandmaster more when I see Loki's back in better lighting. He wasn't just burned, he was _branded_. I don't recognize the symbols. I assume it's the Grandmaster's sign. Bruce takes a picture with the little pad, then mimes that I should move to sit in front of Loki. I can guess why.

"Ok, Loki," Bruce says as I shift around Loki on my knees. "I know you're really scared, but I'm gonna touch your back."

"NO!" Loki twists on the spot and makes to backhand Bruce, suddenly snarling. Bruce only just manages to dodge. 

" _Loki_ ," This time I don't take him by the wrists, but I grab him by the shoulders, holding him in place before he can try again.

My touch brings him back, and he immediately breaks down, throwing himself forward into Punishment before me, crying, "I'm sorry!! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't--please--please don't hurt me, I'm sorry!"

"I know, I know," I assure him, trying to lift him back out of the position. "You're not in trouble. Loki--Hey, hey. Loki, shhhh..."

He won't move, probably too afraid I'll slap him in the face. So I stroke his head, still on the floor. 

"You're not in trouble. I understand why you're afraid."

Bruce comes in from an angle (the better not to be kicked), and puts the very tips of his fingers at Loki's low back, Loki still on the ground. Loki shrieks, covering his head, begging over and over not to be hurt. Bruce looks sick. I'm sure I do too. I don't know what he gets from feeling around the scarred tissue, but I do recognize when he gingerly palpates Loki's kidneys. 

"Kneel, please," I prompt him when Bruce is ready for the other side.

Loki does.

"I want you to lie down on your back."

"N-n-no...." Loki moans.

I fuck up. "Do you want me to hold you, sweetheart?"

_Loki lays in a bloody heap, white/clear fluid trailing down his hips...and in his hair...and over his legs..._

_The Grandmaster squats down next to him and takes him roughly by the hair._

_"Are you still with me, pet?"_

_Loki chokes._

_"I'm sorry," the Grandmaster puts one hand to his ear--didn't quite hear you there--and pinches Loki's cheeks hard. "What was that?"_

_"Y-yes, Master."_

_"Looks like we missed a couple spots. How about a little fun, huh? You get to pick where the next guest comes on you. Doesn't that--doesn't that sound fun?" The Grandmaster asks Loki jovially, then turns around to invite the onlookers' opinions._

"Hayden?!" Bruce's hand is around my wrist, shaking it slightly. "Hayden, are you ok?"

"Yeah--what? Huh?"

Did I miss something? Was I slack-jawed or something? Loki is facing Bruce again, watching me apprehensively.

"You, uh...went blank for a second there."

Well, I'm so not going to explain myself right now. I already slipped up with Tony.

"I'm sorry," I shake my head to clear it.

"Listen, I think we need that sedative. He's not gonna like this next part at all."

Because he's been so on board up until now? I bite that back--Bruce is the good guy, here.

"What's next?"

Bruce drops his voice. "I actually need him to lie down so I can palpate his other organs and make sure nothing's too swollen or herniated. Including..."

 _Fuck_. 

"Should I...?" He tips his head to the bag.

I just made the gigantic fucking mistake of offering Loki a choice. So what the hell is my plan now? How do I keep him safe and maintain any trust that might be left? How the _fuck_ do I get us on the other side of this?

"No," I croak. _Shake it off_. _You gotta get through this_. With the last of my strength, "Loki, lie on your back, please."

Like a condemned man, he obeys, too terrified to argue, too terrified he's already crossed a line. He shuts his eyes.

It allows Bruce to react honestly (in his expression, that is) as he feels all the ribs, pressing as best he can around the bruises as he looks for ruptures. He's worried. I can't say I'm in a good position to make guesses about what it means. He nods at me when he's done and ready to move on. 

"Let's get your shirt back on." I say to Loki, who doesn't open his eyes, only rises stiffly as I guide him to sit up and slip the fabric over his thin frame. 

"Ok, I promise not to touch you for this next part unless I absolutely have to," Bruce starts.

Now Loki's eyes fly open, but he still doesn't move.

"I need you to pull your pants down--"

Loki wails and tries to sort of crab walk backwards.

I catch him by the shoulder. " _Look at me_."

He does, miserable and breathing shallowly. 

"What's your new rule?"

"Only...you...will use m-me."

"Good." I pet his hair, and I don't know what he makes of it, but my eyes are overflowing with tears, too. I can't stop them. For all I know, he doesn't notice. "Keep looking at me. You're almost done."

I have to be the one to touch his pants and boxers, and I can tell the moment I do, I've lost everything I fought for so far. He closes his eyes again and whimpers uncontrollably, so tense he could be marble. I don't ask him to open his eyes.

I can see that Bruce can't see what he needs to. And I can't bring myself to tell Loki to do anything. I just reach down to his knees and part them slightly. 

"Ok," Bruce mutters _finally_. "You're done, Loki. I'm gonna talk to Hayden for a minute."

The moment the waistband is back in place, Loki shoots backwards into the corner again, and I don't stop him. I just get up and follow Bruce, wondering if there's any way to subtly puke in the kitchen sink.

"From what I can tell, nothing's torn or inflammed. You were right, he's been burned--by more than that brand. A..a lot of things have happened to him. That tablet will tell me more in a bit--that was in place of a blood test. That'll tell me if there's internal bleeding I missed, and it'll tell me what vitamins and minerals he might need...assuming Asgardians have the same general needs that we do."

"Thank you." I infuse as much feeling as I can into it. I can't really feel anything.

"Are you ok?" He rubs my arm. 

"No." I don't have the strength to lie.

"You did good. I don't...really know what's going on with the--the whole..."

"Yeah." Don't say the M word. I can't take it.

"But you did right by him. Even if he can't see that. You're keeping him safe."

Funny, this is the kind of pep talk I usually give.

And suddenly, I can't stop myself. I whirl around and run to the sink, only just making it before what little I ate and drank goes rocketing into the sink. Then it's my turn to jump when Bruce's palm falls on my back. His other hand helps me get the hair out of the way. 

"Shh," he cuts off my apology. "You're ok. It's gonna be ok."

Nope. It won't be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that got waaaaay more angsty than I foresaw. I hope it reads well. As is my usual practice, it's coming up on 2 AM, so my editing brain is now shot.
> 
> Unrelated: I still learning AO3 tags/labels, so if anyone has another suggestions for this story (or my other one, should you read it), feel free to let me know. Otherwise, thank you very much for reading.


	7. Square One (Maybe Negative One)

I wish _dearly_ that Thor would burst through the door Bruce just closed. Loki doesn't want me anywhere near him. I don't fucking blame him, either. That sucked, that was unfair to him, and I wouldn't trust me either.

But no one comes through the door. This is on me.

I wash my mouth out and rinse the sink, my heartbeat in my ears. Ok...so we're probably back to square one. Or maybe, like, negative one. 

_Your job remains the same. Untrain him. Slowly back him out of all the fears and traps they threw at him._ _You earned a smidgen of trust once, you can do it again_.

Can I?

 _You have to try_.

I cover my face with my hands and take a deep, steadying breath. _Try_. Loki is where I left him, and he doesn't miss me searching him out. But I turn around again and fill another pair of water glasses. 

Sweat and tears make his skin glisten in the weak spring sun. He whines when I come close, drawing in on himself. I set his water within his reach and then sit with my back to the other wall and "ignore" him, drinking my own water. 

"I'm sorry I scared you," I tell him, and now I do make eye contact. "I know it doesn't make sense right now, but I asked Bruce for help because I was afraid the Grandmaster hurt you really badly."

Loki's eyes pop at the mention of his former captor. I can't ask him how he's feeling or anything open-ended. I can't give him a choice. So far, there's one reliable way I've been able to feel out his state of mind. 

"What are your new rules? What are the three rules I've given you?"

"You..use me...and...punish me. A-and...I walk to you."

Alright, we're firmly back in the 'I'm screwed' camp after a brief interlude of 'at least Mistress will protect me from _other_ people.' I could have predicted that.

"Well done."

This praise loosens him up enough to VERY warily take the water. 

I wait until he's drained the glass. "Go get yourself another glass of water, please."

He whimpers. I almost offer to get it for him, but I just catch myself. Square one.

"Yes Mistress Hayden," he says meekly.

Loki edges farther away from me before getting up, and when he returns, he chooses to lean against the bed, directly across from me but even farther away. No argument from me.

"How those three rules differ from the Grandmasters?"

"M--Mistress?"

"What was his rule about walking?"

He tenses, and I can barely hear him. "I must crawl." Maybe he thinks I'm about to follow GP's example.

"How are my other two rules different from his? How do they compare?"

"A-anyone c-could...hurt me. And..and...use me." Fresh tears spring from his eyes. "Please don't hurt me."

"Ok. I won't." With as much of a throw-away tone as I can manage, "Sounds like he did things differently than I do."

And I leave it at that. I finish my drink a few minutes later and stand.

"Finish your water and come sit at the counter when you're ready."

More bland food...but he did keep down the buttered toast. So I have a little room to work. Humming to myself, I pull out pasta noodles and olive oil and a banana. When the counter chair scrapes behind me, I don't turn. I boil water, stir noodles, and slice the banana. This is all made _much_ harder with the flashes I keep getting. 

I start the flame over the oven--

_Loki, screaming in terror as what might be a guard approaches him holding what I can only describe as liquid fire._

Stir the noodles--

_Guests sit around a table, laughing and clinking glasses. Loki sits chained and bound on the floor at the Grandmaster's side, hunger so acute he's greying out._

Slice the fruit--

_A knife sways over Loki's neck, then makes its way lazily down his chest, twisting down at random points until blood speckles his front._

Shit, I'm crying again. 

"Mistress?" Loki squeaks as I turn around, my cheeks shining.

"I'm ok."

He does something I haven't seen yet--he frowns. I don't answer it; I add olive oil, salt, and a pair of tongs to the pasta bowl. Then that, along with the banana and a pitcher of water, is placed between us on the counter. I get us each a plate and serve myself.

"Serve yourself some of the pasta and the fruit. I want everything here to be eaten completely." 

And I go back to the fake ignoring him thing, pulling out my phone. Bruce has some results.

**Loki is severely malnurished, no surprise. If you can, get him to eat something small every few hours, or at least regularly. Tony's rigging your water systems to dispense extra electrolytes.**

**Thank you so much!**

**Anything, Hayden. I'm still looking through the other data, but I'm reasonably confident he's not bleeding internally. Just watch for unusual or new bruising.**

**I owe you.**

**No, you don't.**

I'm not sure how I warranted this kind of...loyalty? kindness?...from Bruce, but I appreciate it. I send an **XO** of thanks.

Loki's served himself two tiny slices of banana and, like, five noodles. He watches at first, guarded, then he wolfs it down. (Can you wolf down two bites of food?) I give myself a little more (because I don't want to set the impossible task of him finishing more than his stomach can take). He does not follow my lead. 

When I finish, I set my fork down. "That's all the food I want."

Trying to hide his gnawing hunger, he leans back too. 

"If I'm done, but I want the food to be finished, that means you need to take some more," I tell him patiently. 

_"Awwww, look, he's so hungry!" A woman near the Grandmaster looks down at Loki._

_"And yet he's trying so hard to hide it," the Grandmaster grins, stroking Loki's jawline. "Better give you something, eh? Don't want you passing out when Miss Reiff wants to play with you later."_ _The Grandmaster pries Loki's mouth open. "Miss Reiff, would you like to do the honors?_ "

" _You're too kind," she simpers. "Why not kill two bilgesnipe with one arrow?"_

_"I like the way you think."_

_T_ _he Grandmaster finally lets go of Loki's face and points to Miss Reiff. "Go on."_

_Loki whimpers, and gets a slap to the face._

_"Don't make me repeat myself."_

_With most of the table's eyes on him now, Loki crawls over, chains clanking, to the woman, now hiking up her dress._

_"Open," the Grandmaster prompts him._

_Another whimper, then a violent flinch when his master sits up abruptly in his chair._

_"That's what I thought," he smirks._

_Stop this,_ a little voice in my head speaks up, and I claw for it.

_Loki straightens and opens his mouth, tears flowing. Miss Reiff smiles sweetly, wiping his tears with her fingers and rubbing her clit with them._

_"Hmm," she muses, "not enough lubricant."_

_The Grandmaster laughs, delighted. "Looks like he'll have to cry a lot harder and longer, then."_

_"Ah," Miss Reiff tosses her hand, "there's an easier way."_ _She takes her drink and holds it close to Loki's face. "May I?"_

_"Please," the Grandmaster gestures--go on, go on._

_Miss Reiff grabs Loki by the back of his head and dumps the drink in his mouth. He coughs and struggles--there's laughter all around the table--then retches as Miss Reiff digs her fingers in his mouth. She examines her hand, rubs herself, then repeats the whole process._

_"I like your style, Miss Reiff," the Grandmaster claps._

_She grins back at him, then stands and shoves Loki's face between her legs._

" _Loki_ ," I gasp, finally swimming above the memory. 

He cries out, shoving himself away from me and the food, barely catching himself before he falls. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He drops to his knees and his head to the floor, weeping. 

It takes everything I have not to rush over to him. It feels cruel as hell, but I force myself to stay seated. And not vomit. 

"Sweetheart," I say hoarsely, and clear my throat. "I have a new rule."

He doesn't respond, his shoulders shaking.

"Your only position is Kneel. No Punishment, Open, or Offering positions. You do not take those."

This, I can tell, will be a REALLY hard habit for him to break. But, hey, it'll give him a regular chance to observe that 'messing up' doesn't get him in trouble anymore. I give him a really, really long time on the floor, which gives me time to wipe my eyes and all. When we're both slightly more settled:

"What's your new rule?"

He straightens, miserable. 

"Put your hands in front of you, please."

He uncrosses them slowly from his back and places his palms on his lap.

"Very good. This is how I want you to sit when I tell you to Kneel. Repeat the rule for me."

"I-I-I...o-only Kneel."

"That's right."

His lips tremble, green eyes shining. "Please..don't be angry."

"I'm not angry, sweetheart."

Loki tries not to sob outright. "Y-y-you're...up...upset."

"I'm sad."

"Why?"

I can tell that came out without his planning to ask. He moves to throw himself into Punishment, but catches himself, looking contrite and frightened up at me.

"I'm sad because I don't like that someone hurt you."

He does _not_ know what to do with that, twisting it around in his schema to try and make the concept fit: My owner doesn't like that someone hurt me. Before he can draw the wrong conclusions, I recall his attention.

"Please come back to the table when you're ready. You still have food here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. It's not at all concerning that my brain was able to create that flashback.


	8. But You Haven't

New rule #5 comes the next day after another flashback/nightmare.

Loki managed to finish breakfast (!) and passed out on the other end of the couch after doggedly watching me read for as long as he could manage. He sleeps for an hour or so before the words on my page start swimming, and then I'm plunged into grey.

_"Please, Master..."_

_"Please? Are you finally starting to warm up to me?"_

_Loki twists underneath the Grandmaster, whimpering and bound spread eagle in what has to be the Grandmaster's bed. The Grandmaster lazily runs his long fingers up Loki's side, flirting with the hem of his pants._

_"No? That's not what you meant?"_

_Loki's eyes dart to a room off to the side. "Please...let me go, Master."_

_"Ah haaaa," the Grandmaster follows his gaze. "Go relieve yourself. I see."_

_"Please??"_

_"I'm not done yet. I haven't even begun. Notice," He pops his golden-blue collar, "I haven't even taken my shirt off yet."_

_"B-but..."_

_"Yeeees?" Still exploring Loki's bare chest, smiling broadly._

_"I d-don't...your..." Loki shakes his head, "t-the bed, Master..."_

_"Then don't. Don't you dare. These sheets were a gift from the guards for my birthday last year."_

_"I'll..I'll come back. I s-swear it."_

_"Like you'd have a choice."_

_"Please, Master!!_

My book comes back into view as Loki whimpers in his sleep.

"Loki."

He jerks awake, gasping.

"Go use the bathroom."

For once, he doesn't hesitate, but shoots off the couch and into the bathroom. I keep reading until I'm quite sure he's done. 

"Come back out, sweetheart. I'm not upset."

He does, timid and unsure. I point to the couch, and he takes up his spot very far away from me again. 

"I made a mistake. I should have told you that rule right away. I want you to use the bathroom whenever you feel the need."

Loki regards me, suspicious. I'm being too nice, too thoughtful. What's my angle? Setting him up for the biggest fall of his life, the moment he thinks he's _finally_ in the hands of someone kind?

I amend the statement, keeping my tone neutral. "I don't like to be bothered with things like that."

There it is. The benefit to me. _Oh, sweet thing,_ I think as he breathes a little easier. _This is so unfair to you..._ What I wouldn't give to just be able to make the broad, sweeping rule: Eat, drink, pee, do whatever you need. Anytime. But we're not there yet.

"Say it back."

"I shouldn't bother you, Mistress."

Yeah, that tracks. "Close. You don't ask to use the bathroom. You just do."

He nods meekly. 

"I'm not upset."

Unconvinced, he brings his knees to his chest and resumes watching my every move, once again ignoring the book I'd set next to him without comment. In an effort to create an even slightly less tense mood, I set up some music and start humming along. I'm maybe two songs in when I see his eyes start to droop. By the start of the fourth, he's curled against the arm, fast asleep again.

I'm almost asleep myself that night when I feel a light touch on my hip. I _just_ manage to keep from shouting, but I roll over too fast. Loki withdraws his hand, trembling and wide-eyed.

"Are you ok?" I ask automatically.

"I'm sorry, Mistress!"

I sit up, more confused than anything. I want to ask 'What do you need,' but I can't. So I go more direct, but still calm. "Why did you touch me?"

"I-I'm s-sorry."

"It's ok." I wait.

Instead of answering, he reaches over again. I think I know what's going on, and with the lightest touch, I stop his hand and repeat the question.

"T-to...serve..you?"

"Do you think I want to use you?"

He nods, swallowing hard.

With a spectacular lack of control, my eyes well up in response to his. "Did I tell you I wanted that?"

"P-please don't be angry. I'll be good. I..I'm...trained."

"I know, love," I say compassionately, "I don't want that from you."

"Please don't send me back!" Loki wails. "Please j-just..."

Send him back?! "I don't plan to."

"What..do you want..w-with me?" _Why aren't you hurting and abusing me?_

"I want to keep you safe."

"For _what_?" He cries, growing more agitated by the second.

 _For nothing_ , I want to answer. _You're FREE, I SWEAR!_

Instead, I try a different tact. "You're really scared right now."

He blanches. 

"I understand. The Grandmaster was a bad man." 

This did not have the intended effect. "N-no he wasn't!" Loki insists, trembling so hard his collar practically vibrates. "I didn't--I wouldn't--I n-never..."

"You didn't. I did," I try to reassure him. "I don't like him."

He's so mixed up, _so confused_ , he just keeps stuttering and shaking his head. 

"I think you're really scared right now because you don't understand why I haven't hurt you yet. Why I haven't used you yet. And that makes sense. I'm a really different owner," (I DON'T OWN YOU) "than he was."

Loki neither confirms nor denies it. 

"I'm sorry you're confused and scared. I wish I could help."

His lip quivers, tears running down his face. So I say the only thing I can to help. "I'm going to keep you. I don't want the Grandmaster to have you. I want you."

_"You know what you've done."_

_The Grandmaster stands, arms crossed, as Loki lays before him in Punishment._ _He can't answer, just shaking his forehead back and forth._

_"No, you don't know what you've done?"_

_"I-I won't...ever..."_

_The Grandmaster chuckles humorlessly. "You already did."_

_"I'm sorry!! I'm sorry, Master, I'm sorry!"_

_"QUIET."_

_Loki shrieks and covers his head instinctively._

_The Grandmaster tisks. "And you've forgotten the position. You are not doing well today. You know, this timing is really concerning, pet. I've got guests coming over in a few hours."_

_"N-no, I rem-member, Master!"_

_A deadly silence falls. He's contradicted--corrected--the Grandmaster. He towers above Loki, still face down on the floor. There's a little ffft and then smoke as the Grandmaster lights a weird kind of two-pronged kind cigar._

_"Do you? Show me you remember. Offer."_

_Barely able to control his fingers, Loki reaches around and spreads himself._

_"Looks like your memory failed you again, pet."_

_Loki squeaks, now shaking uncontrollably. He slowly turns on his knees, grinding his cheekbone against the stone floor as he forces himself to reorient for the Grandmaster's convenience._

" _Huh. Maybe you do remember. Then is the issue willingness..?"_

_"No! No, no--"_

_The Grandmaster flicks ash onto Loki's back and bends over, jamming two fingers without warning into him. Loki screams out and sobs._

_"Tell you what. You can prove both your intelligence and willingness tonight. You've got a hundred good lashes waiting for you after this shindig. For every guest you please to my satisfaction, I'll take one off."_

_He twists his fingers and digs deeper, and Loki drops his hands from his ass, trying to claw away._

_"Ah, see, this is why I'm concerned." The Grandmaster considers his cigar. "Put your damn hands back."_

_I don't know how Loki has the strength to obey, but he does._

_"One burn for each hand seems fair, no?"_

I wake up violently as the backs of my hand begin to burn. Loki's not in bed next to me. He's standing in the kitchen. My other hand starts to burn. But nothing's happening to them. I jolt out of bed and fly to the kitchen.

Loki's crying too hard to hear me, holding his hands to the stove. 

" _Stop_ ," I gasp as the pain blisters through me.

With as much control as I can muster, I yank him back from the flame and steady him. His knees buckle and he writhes, apologizing endlessly. I drag him over to the sink and pin his hands in it, turning on the cold water full blast. That scares him too--I forgot the waterboarding bit.

"Stop, stop, shhhh." 

He fights me, wailing.

" _Be still_ ," I say in the most commanding-but-not-angry voice I can. 

He goes limp, taking shuddering breaths and twitching, so now I'm pinning his hands with one of mine and supporting his tired body in the other.

"Uuuh...." I look around. Step ladder, where do I keep that....

I must look ridiculous doing it, holding his hands, supporting his body, and reaching out my foot, but I do manage to hook the little ladder with my toe and pull it out. It crashes, scaring the crap out of him, but I get it the rest of the way over and kick it open.

"Put your knees on this," I guide it under him and position him, his hands still pinned on the water. "Put your forehead here." And I gently force him to rest his forehead on the counter, rubbing my thumb up and down his neck. "Shhh, shhhh, you're ok. It's ok."

We stay that way for a long time, until his/our pain goes from an 11 to a 7. I let him raise his head, though I keep his skin under the cool water. _Jesus, god, that hurts._

"I'm--I'm--Mistress, please don't..."

"What's rule number one? Loki--stop, shhhh. Just tell me the rule."

"O-o-only..y-you..."

"Punish you, that's right. That includes you, sweetheart. The only one who gets to hurt you is me."

Because of course he didn't catch me say that the first night. He looks up at me miserably, his eyes and face are puffy and flushed. 

"B-but..you...h-haven't."

"No, I haven't." _So you did it for me so I wouldn't send you back._ Got it. "If I own you, that means I get to choose when I punish you, doesn't it?"

He chokes on more sobs, agreeing.

"That also means I get to choose _not_ to punish you, doesn't it?"

... _Yes, it technically does,_ I see him realize. He nods and swallows, more tears falling.

"I'm s-sorry, Mistress."

"I know. I'm not mad."

"P-please just...just punish me, please."

"I don't want to."

"But I broke a rule!!"

"I know."

Finally, I can let his hands go. The sting is as gone as it's going to get for a few days. _Ow, ow, OW._ I guide Loki back to the bed, then I fish out some pain killers, before realize that taking some myself isn't going to do shit. _His_ hands hurt. I bring over yet more water, four Advil (please be enough to do something), and a two towels, one dry, one cold and wet. 

"This is for the pain."

Too scared to argue, he downs the pills with the water as I lay the dry towel over his pillow.

"Lie down on your back."

He almost seems relieved, though he's now very aware of the water and the other washcloth. _Still not waterboarding you, love..._ I sit on the edge of the bed. 

"This," I hold up the cold cloth, "is for your eyes and face. Give me your hand, please."

He offers one reluctantly. I hold it, then touch the fabric to an unburned spot. "This is what it feels like. I'm gonna touch it to your face in a few places. If you squeeze my hand, I'm going to stop for a second. This isn't a punishment."

Loki tries valiantly not to clench his hand as I slowly bring a corner to his forehead and hold against an inch of skin. When I move to shift it to the other side, he flinches and grips my fingers hard. Without comment, I pause. Loki pants beneath me, and now I'm aware of an ache in my own face. My eyes feel too big in my head and I can feel his flush off my own cheekbones. 

His fingers relax a little. I move around his face like this, cooling him off little by little. 

"Ok, now I'm going to lay this across your eyes."

He tenses.

"I'm not punishing you."

I fold it up a little and lay it across his eyes while he nearly crushes my hand. I leave it there for a good 30 seconds, and he unwinds just a little.

"Are you still scared of it?"

Loki whimpers.

"Take it off."

He pulls it off and almost throws it across the room before noticing my open palm. Loki hands it to me instead.

"I'm going to do that again. When you're too scared, take it off again and hand it to me."

Again, he makes a nervous sound, but allows me to do so. He doesn't last 20 seconds before he rips it away again. 

"Ok. Well done."

We repeat the process until he tolerates it for a full minute. I drop all the supplies on the bedside table, then, still holding his shaking hand, I take a look at the burns. They're swollen, but I've actually burned myself enough times to know that these are only ("only") second degree. I know how to handle those.

"Tell me your rules, please. There are five."

"Only..you punish and u-use me," he recites. "I can..walk to y-you..and I can't..I don't..ask for perm..mission..to use the bathroom. And...and I Kneel."

I'm heartened by the switch from can't to don't, enough so that I take another risk. 

"Now I'm going to change two of the rules. No crawling, and no positions. You sit, you walk, you can lay down, just like me."

Loki nods, uncertain.

"Who punishes you?"

"You, Mistress."

"Are you hurt allowed to yourself?"

_No._

"Right. What else aren't you allowed to do?"

"Crawl," he says in a small voice.

"And?"

"Kneel."

"No positions at all, right?"

 _Right_.

"Very good." I squeeze his fingers lightly and smile.


	9. Just 'Hayden'

He's just starting to fill out and get some color back, now that he's used to the 'help me eat everything' pattern. He's also started reading the books I leave for him. Everything else remains the same. Still afraid of touch, still unwilling to show need. He doesn't ask questions, doesn't give input, doesn't engage. He stays far away from me and watches.

It's exhausting. 

Finally, after about a week, he does something incredibly brave. He initiates. 

"Miss...Mistress Hayden?"

I look up from the text I'm typing to Nat, hiding that I'm impressed as hell. 

"C-can...I...t-take a shower, p....please?"

I nod immediately. "Absolutely."

He gets up from the couch, edging towards the other room. I think he expects me to follow him, but I stay seated, saying (my eyes now back on the screen),

"Please don't turn the water on too hot. Don't hurt yourself."

"Yes, Mistress."

I'm so happy I could shout. But I keep it the fuck to myself. Stay on square two. Square two is awesome. My phone beeps--Nat replying. 

**So he's eating?**

**Yep. Someday maybe you'll be able to even see him again.**

**Never thought I'd want to do that.**

**Why does everyone forget that he changed?**

**80 people, 2 days. (** Point to Nat.) **Have you left your place at all this week?**

**Nope.**

**We're wrapping up a mission for Fury. Wanna blow off some steam with us in a few days?**

**Unsure. I don't think Loki's ready to be left alone and he's DEFINITELY not ready for a group of people. Where'd Fury send you?**

**It's Tony and me, we're in China.**

No wonder Tony's been able to leave us alone. 

**Are you safe?**

**As ever.**

Always a comforting answer to get from your super spy, superhero friend.

 **I miss you. Let me know when you're back, maybe I can sneak out into the hall for like 20 minutes.** I start to put the phone away, then I remember something. **Hey, did you ever tell anyone--say, for instance, Thor--about my 'power?'**

**Someday you'll drop those quotation marks. And no, why?**

**He mentioned it the night he left Loki with me.**

**What'd he say?**

**Something something 'you and your power captivated Loki' or somesuch.**

**Wasn't me. But they are basically gods. Maybe they just knew.**

I can't say it's on my top three questions to ask him when he gets back....but it might be in the top five. God, I hope Thor comes back soon. (God, I hope Thor's _ok_.)

Another night. Another nightmare.

_That chair on that stage again._

_"M-master..."_

_"That's me,"_

_"P-please...not...not in front of them."_

_"Oh yes. In front of them. And then--when I'm good and satisfied--with them."_

_The Grandmaster chains his collar to the chair and abruptly grabs the thick band of metal, forcing Loki to kneel._

_"Well? You know what to do."_

_There are chuckles, a few jealous sighs, hungry murmuring. Reluctantly, Loki reaches over and parts the Grandmaster's robe, then pulls at his pants. The Grandmaster spreads his legs, leaning back luxuriously. But Loki chickens out before he actually touches the Grandmaster's cock, flinching away and bowing down._

_The Grandmaster leans forward like he expected this, like this is part of the plan. But in a low voice, he says to Loki, "Do NOT embarrass me."_

_"I'm sorry," Loki's eyes fill with tears. "I can't--I c-can't."_

_He's hauled up by the chains, and suddenly the Grandmaster's cock is deep in his mouth, thrusting down his throat. "Then let me help you."_

For once, I manage to wake before Loki does.

"Hey--love. Loki."

Loki moans in his sleep, then cries out. I reach over and hold his wrist, shaking a little. 

"Sweetheart, wake up now."

"NO!" He wrenches out of the dream. "Stop, stop, STOP!!"

I let go immediately. "Hey. Hey, look at me. Shhh," I hold up a hand. 

To my immense shock, he grabs it. And for a second, he recognizes me. Like, really sees me. And then it slips away, and there's only terror left. He lets go and draws back.

"Just a bad dream," I murmur to him. "You're here with me now."

He's breathing heavily, looking around wildly. Everything is in shadow and there's rain rolling down the windows all around us. And then the world's worst-timed clap of thunder explodes around us. Loki screams, leaps out of the bed, and then he rounds on me, snarling. 

And I'm really, properly scared. I've never seen Loki angry. He grabs all the bedding and rips it away, tearing his pillow so fast I think he's produced knives the way he used to, out of thin air. But there's no glint of silver in the lightening flashes. I haven't seen a hint of magic from Loki since he came here. Screaming in fury, his hands fly to his neck and make to rip the metal off. My--his--burns are screaming too as he digs and pulls at the thing to no avail. 

"Take this off," he demands, teeth bared.

"I can't."

" _Remove it_."

I shake my head helplessly, still sitting up in now bare bed like an idiot. "I can't. I don't have the key yet."

"My birthright is a _crown,_ not a collar. _I belong to no one_." He shouts.

"I agree."

Sweat begins to roll from his hairline. He lunges back onto the bed, reaching out to choke me.

It doesn't usually come to me like this, my power. The only reason I figured out my power in the first place was because someone punched my boyfriend when I was 15. It almost never comes when I need to defend myself, that's not really 'what it's for.' But as I throw up my hand again, a physical wall of golden light appears. Loki bounces off it, recovering with natural grace and lunging again. He slams a fist against it--which does nothing--but he seems unconcerned. 

"The only way to save yourself now is to keep these walls drawn." 

So many emotions flatten me at once. Fear, frustration, exhaustion-- _pride_. _There you are. Welcome back, love._

"Drop them for a moment--an _eye blink_ \-- and I _will_ kill you."

And now...resolve courses through me. We stare at each other through the faint light for what feels like a long time.

I lower my hand.

The light rolls in on itself, disappearing. Loki hesitates, doubt and anger battling it out. Seconds drag by. Doubt begins to win, ensuring my life but breaking my heart. 

"It's ok, Loki. I understand."

"I--I didn't...I'm--" He sinks back to his knees. "I wasn't--"

"I know. I was watching."

"Mistress please don't hurt me," he bows, sweat-soaked skin sticking to the fitted sheet. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please--"

"You don't have to kneel," My voice falters for a beat as the adrenaline drains from me. "Loki, you were right, you don't belong to anyone."

"Yes I do!" He wails, "Please, please, I belong to you, I swear. I'll never--never again, please don't send me back to him. I'll do anything, _please please please--"_

"Shhh, what's the new rule?"

More frantic stuttering.

"Slow down. Just breathe, sweetheart." I demonstrate for him, then try again. "What did we talk about the other day? What rule did I change?"

Still shaking, he sits up again.

"There you go," I praise.

"I didn't mean t-to. I d-didn't mean it, please. I w-want to belong t-to you."

"No, you want to _not_ belong to the Grandmaster anymore. And that makes sense. I don't want you to, either."

"I belong to you," he insists, panic creeping back. "Please don't abandon me, please!"

It's been so long since he was his own person, he can't fathom independence. His world view has become _I am property._ And if he has to be property, he'd much rather be mine.

"I won't abandon you. I promise."

Relief, grief, and sheer stress burst out of him in a torrent of sobs. He wraps his arms around himself, suddenly shivering violently.

I offer my arms. "Do you want me to hold you?"

I didn't really expect him to take me up on that, but he nods miserably. When I reach out a little more, he whimpers.

"It's alright. I won't hurt you."

He curls into me like a child, hiding in my shoulder and shivering, apologizing with any breath he can spare. I hold him close and pet his hair.

"I won't abandon you. If you need to be 'mine' because it makes you feel safe, that's ok. But Loki," I pry him away just long enough to make eye contact. "It's just 'Hayden,' alright? That's my title now."

He nods, then collapses in my arms.


	10. I Got This

“Loki? It’s ok...can you look at me, please?”

He’s cowering in the kitchen corner, covering his head. I have absolutely no idea what happened/what I did. I left him reading at the kitchen island to take a shower. He was still at it when I came out—fully dressed—and as I made my way over to start some dinner. I didn’t touch him—didn’t say a word. But I passed him and all of a sudden, total chaos.

“Loki,” I call again. “You don’t have to do anything. And I’m not coming any closer. Can I just see your eyes, please?”

Hands still shaking, he shows me a peek of eyelashes and green.

”Hey,” I say softly. “Do you remember who I am?”

“M-Mistress?”

”Try again. What’s my ‘title’ now?”

”H...Hayden?”

”Yeah, good.” I smile a little. “I don’t know what I did that scared you. Can you tell me so I don’t do it again?”

He shakes his head hard. NEVER correct your owner.

Rephrase. “How about you tell me and I’ll decide if I should do anything about it?”

Closer. He doesn’t refuse, anyway.

”Did I startle you?”

No.

“Did I come too close?”

No.

”What was it, sweetheart?” Enough force to be a command without being threatening.

"That...smell. He...h-he always...smelled l-like...fruit."

 _My body wash._ I opened a new bottle today. 

"Ooh, ok," I nod. "Ok, I can fix that. When you're ready, why don't you look in the fridge and see if there's something you want to drink?"

I can already tell he's not going to take me up on that, but that's ok. Maybe he'll feel better about making a small choice like that if I'm there to immediately 'correct' him. 

I'm washing off again (with lavender shampoo, my only other option) when Loki cries out in the other room. 

"Loki," I call, immediately shutting off the water and pulling my towel in. 

Just in time, too, because Loki comes scrambling into the bathroom. When he sees I'm still not dressed, his knees buckle and he automatically crosses his wrists behind his back, eyes down.

"What's wrong, love?" I towel off behind the glass quickly. 

Then I hear it. A knock. Probably Nat. He winces, whimpering. "Don't let them in, p-please. Don't--please don't..."

My front door opens (why do I even bother to lock it?). "Brother??"

 _Thor_. 

"He's in here," I call, throwing my sweats back on. 

"Don't--don't, don't, please don't--please," he chances a look at me, "Please, please, I'll be good! _Please_ \--"

I kneel down with him and carefully reach around, pulling his wrists to his front. "He's not here to hurt you or take you back."

He quakes. 

"It's Thor. Thor brought you to me to keep you safe."

Ever-present tears roll down his cheeks. 

"Stand up with me," I coax, and I gently pull him to his feet. "And stay behind me. You're not going anywhere. I promise."

We walk out, Loki hiding between my shoulders. Thor looks bone-weary, and a little worse for wear. As soon as he sees Loki, his blue eyes well up with tears.

"Brother..."

Loki whines behind me, standing as close as he can to me without touching. 

"Brother, I'm so sorry..."

Something about the way he says it chills my heart. I step forward, and Loki can't follow. 

Looking over my shoulder, I say to him, "It's alright. You're alright."

Loki's eyes dart between us. 

"Look at me," I softly. He does. "It's gonna be ok. Just stay where you are."

And I get the tiniest, _tiniest_ nod. 

Thor drops to his knees, face in his hands, and I close the distance. He's so tall (I'm so short) that his head could almost rest on my shoulder even though I'm still standing. 

"Thor," I whisper. I take his hands from his face and curl my fingers around them. "Hey. He's ok."

Thor nods, still crying, and throws his arms around my middle. "Yes, I can see that clearly. Thank you." 

But these aren't tears of joy or gratitude or relief. I wipe one away, cradling his face in my hand. 

"What's wrong?"

Thor swallows hard. "I failed him."

"You didn't," I soothe, "you found him."

"No...I..failed...to get the key...The Grandmaster destroyed the key." Thor's voice is strung out. "The only way to get the collar off is to break it. And...the collar is rigged."

Of course it is.

"The Grandmaster...was so...furious...that I took my..brother back...he told me...how to break it."

Wait, what? He was so furious he...gave Thor vital information?

"He t-told me because...he said...I deserved to know. I'd be..the only one strong enough to break it anyway. That I _deserved_ to be the one to do it."

"What happens when you break it?" I ask in a low voice, wiping away more tears. _Not death. Not death. Anything but death_.

"It will c-cause him..so much...pain," Thor spoke between gasps of air, "I-if he survives it, he will n-never trust me...again. I just... _just_ got him back...and now...I'm going to lose him forever."

"No, you won't." I wrap my arms around his shoulders and hold his head to my chest. "You're not gonna lose him."

"Mistress?" Loki cries behind me. "H-Hayden?"

"It's alright," I tell Loki as I twist a little in place, comforting his brother. "He's ok. You're ok."

"W-what's...happening?"

"Thor's really, _really_ tired."

"Is he coming?" Loki backs away from us. "M-Master?"

"No, love. No one's coming."

"Please don't lie!" Loki cries out. "P-please don't lie..."

"She is not lying, brother." Thor calls to him. "I ripped his head off his body with my own two hands. He will _never_ hurt you again, I swear it."

"Shhh," I run my hand through his hair. "It's gonna be ok."

He shakes his head against me and grips me harder.

"Yes it is. I can help you."

Something about the way I said it makes him lean away from me, searching my eyes. I trace the line of his brow. "I got this."

"You'll...take care of him?"

"Of course. So will you."

My heart is in my throat and also nowhere at all. This is going to _suck_. And I'll do it a hundred times if that's what it takes. _Let's get it over with._

"Follow my lead, then be ready to take care of him for...I dunno, awhile. Ok?"

He nods uncertainly. I step back and turn back to Loki as Thor composes himself. Loki's eyes go wide, but I know he doesn't find fear in mine. I won't allow it. I point to the couch. 

"Come here, sweetheart."

He looks nervously at Thor, getting to his feet and wiping his eyes, but he obeys and sits closer to me than usual. "Mistress..."

"I'm gonna explain," I only partially lie. "Thor's really tired. He's been out there making sure no one's ever going to take you away from me."

"He's--he's..."

"Crying, I know. The Grandmaster told him what he's done to you, and Thor loves you. So he's sad like I was sad."

Loki swallows. I speak a little louder, cueing Thor. 

"But he also has some good news. He knows how to get the collar off."

Loki's hand flies automatically to the thick metal.

"Yeah. I'm going to have him take it off. It won't hurt you."

It's a testament to how badly he needs it that he doesn't outright refuse. Instead, he whispers, "Will I still be y-yours?"

I have no right to say this, but it's what he needs to hear. "Always."

And I know I made the right call as he visibly (if only slightly) relaxes. Thor approaches slowly.

"It's good to see you, brother."

Loki doesn't know what to say. 

"It's ok," I tell him. "Everything is gonna be ok. Let's get the collar off, huh? What do you need to do, Thor?"

Thor mimes with his hands around his own neck, still out of arm's reach. "All I have to do is push in and twist."

Loki's trembling hard, but there's a longing in his eyes that reinforces my courage. "A-and...it won't..hurt?"

"It will not hurt you," I repeat deliberately. "I will always protect you. That's a new rule."

His shoulders loosen a little more.

"Say it back to me."

"You protect me." He breathes.

I hold out my hand. "Very good."

He takes it hesitantly.

"Squeeze it when you're scared, like before."

Thor comes closer, kneeling before Loki and me. "Let me free you, brother." 

His blue eyes search me swiftly, then he reaches out for the collar. Instinctively, Loki shoots back on the couch and squeezes my hand hard. 

"I'm here. It's alright. And Loki," I catch his eye one last time, "that's not going to change. I'm not going anywhere either." (Please. Please, god, please.)

Thor rests his fingertips on either side of the collar. Loki's grip triples (OW). And with one swift twist of his wrists, he snaps the metal in two. 

Like a ravenous living thing, a force rips out of the inside of the metal and makes to cover his skin, to tear him from the inside out. But instead, it comes to me.

Because I demand it.

I grip Loki's hand back and suck the pain into myself. It devours my skin from all sides and boils the blood in between. I have to assume I'm screaming, but my throat is burning just as much as any other part of me. My vision is white and black and all colors fracturing at once. I can feel every single muscle, every curve in every bone in my body, all of it sharp and white hot. And still I pull it from him, until I'm full up with it. Until I know not a drop of it is left for him.

And then there's nothing at all. Not even me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the turn of events doesn't seem too abrupt/this all seems well paced enough. And lemme spare anyone the worry, this isn't the last chapter. This story will be significantly shorter than the first one, but there's a little more to come.


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